APOCALYPTICO PT1

A ranodmised, double-blind, placebo-controlled, parallel-group, 14 day repeat dose study to investigate the safety, tolerability, pharmacokinetics and etxra-pulmonary, pharmacodynamics of inhaled doses of GW64244M formulated with magnesium stearate in healthy subjects.

I write this wearing my personal ECG machine called a a Horton Transmogrifya (something like that anyway). I got it today and have to wear it until 12.37pm tomorrow afternoon. The purpose is for the doctors on this medical trial to see what kind of electromagnetic shit my heart throws out over a 24 hour period...

Every so often I look down and see this little box attached to my belt from which a whole bunch of wires lead up to 4 stickers on my chest. I feel like a freakin cyborg and I have to say that it's not a bad feeling.

So, I found my way to the trials centre near Willesden without a hitch. The train was bang on time, indeed with each new journey, I'm growing to love the Silverlink Shuttle more: For 1 you rarely have to pay, for 2 you see the best grafitti in London and for 3 the very best faces..

Harlesdon/Willesden is mostly industrial warehouse zone, rundown canal, empty space, railway sidings and old terraces, everyone of which seems to be for rent or sale..

As usual, upon arrivAL, I fell in love with the place and considered moving there right away. How much are these Terraces? Could I commute? Where would I be commuting too? Are there any other farty arts types around here likely to cramp my style?

I took a right onto the canal..Half way along was a man. He was standing stock still starring forward. He was wearing a hoodie and he was starring straight ahead at the water. If you've ever seen the Banksy that used to be at the top of Columbia Road



Well, he was just like this except he wasn't a painting and he didn't appear to have any tourist information..

I walked past and nodded a smile. He stayed motionless. Next to him was a babies pushchair and inside was a large, water coller sized bottle of water or piss or something - I didn't let my eyes linger on it for too long...

The hospital I found was brand new and when i asked for the medical trials section, they said to go to the old hospital.

The old hospital building was half knocked down. It had diggers working on it. Looks great I thought. I'm in the middle of an industrial estate. There are banks on most street corners and a 24 hour Asda. I'm to entrust my life to Glaxo Smith Klien to test their asthma drugs. Whodjawot and why the hell not??

Screening was smooth. Doing a medical trial is much like working as an extra on a film. It's all smiles and faux friendliness when you're of some use and then more or less complete ignorance and contempt when you're not..

Well, I was of use today and I had my blood pressure tested and my ECG done 3 times. I lost a sample of piss and 3 syringes full of blood. I had my lung capacity tested. I answered all the questions about my medical history. I gave them my passport to photocopy and I read Heat magazine. It felt like I might be booking myself into some kind of nazi hotel..

Before I left, my Hortish Perambbulator (or whatever it's called) was fitted. I practised enhaling the drugs. I passed and 2 hours after arriving, walked back down the canal past the same hoodie man still starring straight forward into the murk as if his wife were there somewhere beneath the yellow, green water.....